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EDUCATIONAL

REFLECTIONS

BY GIANNA EVELING ISRAEL

AN ADVICE AND HELP FORUM FROM A PROFESSIONAL IN THE TRANSGENDER COMMUNITY

Gianna Eveling Israel specializes in providing individual and small group counseling and education for those dealing with transgen- der issues. Nationally, her intuitive and empathetic skills are carried forth in her work as an educator, author, and as Western Regional Director for the American Educational Gender Information Services. AEGIS nationally develops and provides gender- related education resources and publications available to individuals, groups and professionals.

COUNSELING

CONCERNS

n this issue I will be

I providing insight and

options into concerns and questions commonly brought into counseling. Some of the ques- tions originated from TV Connec- tion readers while others are from actual counseling clients. Indi- viduals having counseling-ori- ented concerns are invited to di- rect written questions or com- ments to me c/o TV Connections or to my counseling practice ad- dress. (Printed names/locations changed for confidentiality).

*****

I have been married to a de- lightful woman for five years, recently however it feels as if she has become a troll from hell. At the time of my marriage I was not publicly crossdressing, however prior to our engagement I told my wife I enjoyed crossdressing and at some point on various times would want to stay cross- dressed throughout the full week- end. She said she had no problem with it, at that time I felt she really accepted me for who I am because even during intimacy we enjoy exploring role-play. Now. that I have started going out in public and wish to remain cross- dressed during the weekends she has become hostile, ridiculing my appearance and attempts to in- terfere with my weekend activi-

ties. I thought talking to her at the beginning of the relationship was sufficient. Where have I gone wrong and what can I do? Randi, Santa Fe, NM.

Randi, bravo to you for hav- ing the honesty to disclose your crossdressing needs before en- tering marriage. You were right then and are so now in asking for help. Rather than assessing blame which does no one good, it would appear that the relationship's overall communication lines need to be reinitiated. At a mutually agreed upon time sit down with your wife and bring this to her attention, you might then use the crossdressing issue as an oppor- tunity to rebuild communica- tions. You should definitely use this time to state that verbal vic- timization of your needs or pre- sentation is unacceptable behav- ior.

As in any relationship each of you clearly have independent social and emotional needs. Thus provide opportunity in your dis- cussion for each individual to state their needs without inter- ruption. You each may even taken written "notes" to help guide your session. After each person's needs have been stated, then start ex- ploring common ground and looking for alternative compro- mises that are mutually agree- able.

One common ground you ob- viously share is a mutual interest

in role-play. Perhaps this might be incorporated into daytime ac- tivities and ending with a very hot sexual role-play encounter. Other alternatives may include setting aside a special time to be the man she needs in her life, asking for her help in refining your make-up and shopping skills, and finally encouraging her to further explore her own femi- ninity. If you and her are unable to discuss this without getting in a fight or have difficulty defining common ground and alternatives, I strongly suggest you mutually seek couples counseling.

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For many years I enjoyed crossdressing privately in my own home. Recently a friend told me about a crossdresser's orga- nization with monthly meetings. I have yet to visit a meeting be- cause I feel afraid to go cross- dressed, I think others might laugh because I don't have allot of experience. Also, I worry about being identified as a crossdresser in public. -Rebecca, Escondido. CA.

Rebecca, your fears are in no way unusual. Most individuals attending crossdressing socials have had some type of "first-time" attendance fears, regardless of whether they show up "en-femme" or in male garb. Others have pri- vacy concerns similar to your own, thus crossdresser organi- zations usually are operated

within a confidential atmosphere. Those choosing to disclose out- side status and interests may do so, others may maintain as much anonymity as their needs dic- tate. Finally, if you find attend- ing your first social alone a scary prospect, if possible invite a friend to go along as your com- panion or write the social organi- zation asking if they have a Big Sister (or brother) whom you can meet "offsite" or at the actual event to help you become ac- quainted with coming-out.

*****

Hello, for many years I have known that I should have been born a woman. Unfortunately I have very manly features, am 6'3" and 225#'s, I fear that if I go ahead with making a gender tran- Isition I would become rather freakish and would be abandoned by all those I know and love. Help! Big 'n Burly, Willows, CA

Big 'n Burly, what a difficult time you must have been having with this issue. You would be well-served by first setting aside

EDUCATIONAL REFLECTIONS

any preconceived judgments of "what being a woman" or making a gender transition is all about. A good proportion of individuals who make gender transitions most certainly are not the waif- like maidens our media stereo- types dictate as to how women “should be. It also happens most biological women do not fit into one specific shape but rather have many shapes as varied as the individual. Like most women, In order to survive and succeed transgender individuals learn to set aside notions of "passing" and invest their energy into "present- ing" themselves as who they are as individuals.

If at all possibly I strongly encourage you to begin building for yourself a support network of informed friends, a gender-spe- cializing therapist and support group. Isolation is no place to be when beginning any type of life transition. Use these individuals as a base for feedback, support and encouragement as you move ahead with your goals.

PAGE 11

Finally, I suggest you look at the option of building on an an- drogynous presentation rather than aiming for a fantasy impos- sible to fulfill. Save those healthy fantasies for creative playtime! Once you have refined an an- drogynous presentation, build- ing on a feminine presentation will be all the more realistic an endeavor. -Good Luck!

*****

Why do I have to wait and be in counseling for three months before I'm able to get hormones? I have been transgendered my whole life and think the wait pe- riod is ridiculous. Monica, Bellevue, WA.

Monica, in writing you did not give me enough specific in- formation about yourself to give an individualized answer. How- ever, your question is very com- mon for those individuals seek- ing-out hormone treatment and also comes at a time when some activists call for "hormones on demand." What many individu- CONTINUED ON PAGE 54

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